Bad head

Hey, want cool hair? GQ has just explained to me that Randi Lee, 34, has effortlessly cool (if bland) hair because "he always showers at night. Sometimes he uses shampoo, sometimes he just rinses. Then he goes to bed. When he wakes up in the morning, he’s already got the bedhead thing going.".

"Well," I thought to myself last night, "I can do that."

- Reasons why authentic bed head does not work -
1. First and foremost: superfluous sticky-up bits that make you look less "bed head" and more "idiot who cannot even get his hair to grow in the right way."

I once set off to school with what I thought was a rather racy new do (swept back in the style of Andy Garcia), only to find when I got there that my traitorous tresses had risen in the car and that rather than resembling a smooth-talking Mafioso, I looked like the self-conscious lovechild of a hedgehog and a greasy waiter. (I probably should have used 'POMADE', but the thought of smearing engine oil onto my head was appealing to my nine-year old self as it is now) My arrival at the school gates was met with howls of persecution from friends, teachers and the media that I can still hear today. At least I'm pretty sure it was the media. It was bad, anyway.

So that's danger #1.

2. Cold bits on the pillow that you roll back onto an hour after switching out the light. If God had intended me to sleep on a wet patch, he'd have withheld bladder control.

3. The risk that Stay-Puft from Ghostbusters will get you.*

4. You might end up looking like the imbecile from that advert, "Tim" or whatever he was called. You know the one I mean. "Everyone knows a bloke like Tim!!!!!"

I'll tell you what, gleeful voiceover man from Head and Shoulders, I do NOT know a bloke like Tim. I make it a point of principle. Or rather, if I DO know him, I know him as Tim, The Wanker With Faux Bed-Head Hair And A Horrible Array Of Smug Grins In Different Outfits. Not a moniker I am keen to acquire for myself. Certainly not if it necessitates sporting sticky-up bits and invoking the ire of a Ghostbusters baddie.

5. Admittedly this next one isn't so much a bed head problem as a 'washing your hair before bed' problem, but I think you're bright enough to see that that's what all this metrosexual bed head posturing was a cover for. My REAL issue is wet hair in bed. And do you know what the biggest risk involved with that is? WET-INSIDES-OF-EARS.

Wet-insides-of-ears create an instant and irrational feeling of vulnerability. I think my subconscious hypothesis is that earwigs (which obviously aim to live in actual ears) prefer wet, slimy ears (LIKE THEIR DISGUSTING SLITHERY BODIES) to normal ears. Ergo, fall asleep with wet ears, have brain eaten by earwigs. It's that simple.

So unless you like being papped as a weeping nine year old or BEING EATEN ALIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT, leave the bed head to lothable lotharios from TV Land and wash your hair in the morning. Sorted.

Next week: Stray Nail Clippings - "One Thousand Splendid Swords."

* When I was small I was afraid of the hairdryer. But my Mum told me that if my hair wasn't dried properly before bed, I would get DAN DRUFF. Dan Druff rooted himself into my worldview as a monster in the style of Stay-Puft, the fictional Michelin-sponsored ghoul from Ghostbusters. I am assuming that this exact scenario happened to everyone. Even if it didn't, ignorance will not save you from his marshmallow-fuelled wet-haired fury so you best watch out.