Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Queen's Day

It's Queen's Day or Koninginnedag here tomorrow. According to Wikipedia, it's "a day of national unity and 'togetherness'" in which people can sell all their things on the street (you know how profiteering can lead to togetherness).

Well I would gladly trade it for a taste of the celebrations in Rotterdam, where they hold a Koninginnedance - yes, a Queen's Dance.

Artist's impression:

I don't really know much else about what goes on here in Amsterdam, but apparently I ought to be prepared for the oranjegekte ('Orange Craze') and lots of partying in the street. Which sounds fine. And did I mention that it's a bank holiday? Well it is. Netherlands 1 - 0 England.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Conclusions from the London Marathon

I ran the Flora London Marathon on Sunday. Here are ten great things I didn't know about the marathon then but do now:

1. I can run faster than loveably vile chef and thinking lady's adulterer Gordon Ramsay.
2. I cannot run faster than a carrot.
3. While employers can no longer sponsor marathon-running employees as much as they once did, thanks to the recession...
4. ... most other people's generosity remains unchanged. Current non-work fundraising total: £1563.01
5. Contrary to popular opinion, the Cutty Sark is not a particularly memorable landmark to run around when it is in a box.
6. Running past your office will make you wail that all is forgiven and claw at the doors, begging to be let in for a few hours' monotonous proofreading in a dark, quiet room.
7. Waving your arms around as you cross the finish line will make your iPod fall out of your pocket and crack on the floor.
8. If you run the marathon, the BBC will refer to you in its coverage as an "athlete". In your face, grammar school P.E. teacher Mr. Stevens!
9. There is an entire spectrum of blisters on my feet; a cacophonous rainbow of colours ranging from benign beige to furious crimson. Lesson learnt: marathons give you blisters (in other news: Pope thought to be a Catholic).
10. Giving up alcohol and caffeine will not make you run faster than your original target (3.30), revised target (3.45) or realistic expectation (3.50). Lesson learnt: wine and coffee doth a fast runner make. Presumably.

Sounds like good advice anyway. And on that note, must dash - meeting a friend to celebrate.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


After reading Emma Louise Layla's Piccadilly Prancers blog this afternoon, I stumbled upon this delightful flash mob dance in Antwerp's Centraal Station.

How much would your journey home be enhanced by this?

An open copycat of Saatchi's T-Mobile ad at Liverpool Street (see below), sure, but I like the swelling numbers and the charming choice of song.

And this is a spate of copycats I'd be quite OK with. Next: Amsterdam Centraal or London Bridge please. And if you could do it to either Huey Lewis or this, so much the better.

Monday, April 20, 2009

One more ASOS atrocity

Sorry for the repetition, but I can't resist flagging up this little fella:

Hurry! While stocks last!

I think I get far too much out of these pictures...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

News that is literally unbelievable

Big BIG shock for The Hoff this week, as reported in an interview with Digital Spy.

In a frank and unwavering tete-a-tete, the Hoff reveals that for his next series he'd "love to check out Brighton beach." A moment of silence then descends upon the interview, as Hasselhoff struggles to prevent a quiet smirk turning into a stifled snigger, before fixing the interviewer with tear-filled eyes, erupting with laughter and crying "I can't believe people actually take their towels out there and lay on the stones!"

Is it THAT mental, David? In a world where you were allowed to sing during one of the seminal historical moments of the century, do you find the concept of sunbathing on uneven ground THAT unbelievable?

Does it make less sense than THIS?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Now I enjoy a good Segway as much as the next man. The bizarre transporter is much beloved by G.O.B., and what's good enough for the creator of Mr. Bananagrabber is certainly good enough for me.

Why love the Segway? Because it is ludicrous. It looks like a toy that will overbalance if driven over a small pebble. The driver (driver? Pilot? Captain?) is planted starkly upright, like a candle struggling to maintain its dignity atop the world's crappiest cake. Bold. Proud. Open to insults (and stones) thrown from the kerbside. It is difficult to be taken seriously commanding something so prepostorous and pathetic. But in the Segway's loveable stupidity lies its charm.

No charm of any type, however, resides in that preserve of the decrepit and infirm: a granny buggy. So what better template for Segway to use for their new range!

Is it a Segway? No! Is it a golf cart? Maybe! Does it remind you of Mrs. Biggins terrifying the town with her drippy nose, snarled obsceneties and dog barks? Yes!

Now look here Simon Segway: you're in danger of falling between two stools. So either do this properly and make an actual car, or stick to what you do best - give us all a good laugh, and allow the ridiculous to become the sublime.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Danger-Fraught World of ASOS

ASOS has some pretty nifty stuff on it. Like this watch, which will soon be mine for but twenty pounds!

but then it also has some stuff on like THIS:

which can be yours for only sixty quid. ARE YOU MENTAL? It looks like something Forrest Gump would wear.

And what about this little set!

Well wouldn't you be the belle of the ball in that!

I think the moral of the story is to slightly wary of the 'I can pull that off!' mindset, sat brandishing a Pepperami at your laptop after a night out. "Those guys at work won't know WHAT'S hit them when I strut into the office wearing these!"

"Casual Friday, here I come!"


Funny in 1991

Steve Martin - whom I associate fondly with L.A. Story and not so fondly with being brutalised by Dennis Pennis - has just shot up in my estimation. Because of this little fella:

How awesome is that. Do you think you need to be a celeb to get these made?

Unfortunately, the fact that - in his own words - Steve Martin used to do this "years ago" leaves DP's "How come you're not funny any more?" putdown sadly intact.

Especially when you then consider THIS.
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